Glitchtown

ain’t easy. It’s bloody hard to say the least.

If you ask me what is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, it is hands down being a mother. It’s honestly so wild. I always knew that we owe our parents a lot but after becoming one, I am convinced 100% that there is absolutely no way you could ever repay your parents even if you give them the world.

You literally sacrifice your time, effort, body, soul and freedom all for your kid(s) that you don’t even know who you are anymore. They rob even the simplest freedom that we usually take for granted like waking up whenever we want to unless of course you have a nanny or a helper or you live with your parents or someone that could be there and be completely hands on helping you 24/7. Even for just a few hours is already a luxury but the majority of us do not have that kind of village.

Some nights when Freya is being very clingy, we had to take turn eating dinner so we could take our time and enjoy our meal and when you are finally alone, it’s crazy realizing how much you desperately need that 15 minutes of complete silence to yourself after giving your all to your child the entire day. Some days can be really exhausting that you don’t have time for your spouse. Every last bit of my being is completely used up that I have absolutely nothing left in me for anyone else.

Trying to build a career, constantly working towards your goals, maintaining a relationship with your spouse, keeping the house clean, continuously trying to improve yourself in all aspects while raising a child is exhausting. It’s actually insane. Borderline impossible. People keep talking about how beautiful and rewarding motherhood is and I guess it can be but I don’t feel like it is. Or maybe, if I want to be positive, I’d say “not yet”. I know I sound really ungrateful and I promise you I’m not. If anything, I am completely aware of all the miracles and blessings that God has given me more than I could ever deserve. I would take a bullet for my baby and I hate that I even have to say this as if venting would make me a shitty mom.

I just despise how parenthood is so downplayed and anything less than being “positive” is completely unacceptable. And when I share the hard part of parenthood, which btw feels like all of it, does not mean I need your help or advice. I’m sure new parents have read enough and definitely heard much more from people than necessary unless of course we ask for it. We just want someone to listen and sometimes you don’t even have to say anything. We just need to get it off our chests to keep going. I may not even remember what I’m rambling about by tomorrow because that’s what exhaustion and sleep deprivation do to you. You lose parts of your memory.

Even now as I’m typing this, I know I should really be sleeping but I feel like I need this time to myself so I have enough energy the next day for everyone else. Being a parent is the most selfless thing in the world. To think that Freya was born only 3.5 months ago and I am willing to trade my life… MY LIFE… for her wellbeing at the drop of a hat is what being a mother is like. For someone I only knew a few months ago.

If you were to ask me if I’d recommend motherhood, I don’t have an answer to that. Every woman is different and only you know yourself but I can definitely tell you one thing. I did not know the real meaning of stress and fears until we had Freya but I have also never known happiness, strengths and overwhelming love for someone until we had Freya too. I realised how reckless I have been with my life. People would say that they would die for their child but really, they don’t need us to die for them. They need us to LIVE for them. Everything that I do now is so calculated. What I do, what I say, what I learn, what I read is crucial because your kids are a reflection of you and that is possibly the scariest thing I could ever think of because for all I know, I am still very far from the person I pray very hard everyday for Freya to become.

If you are a parent, I salute you for everything that you do. May Allah constantly bless you with unwavering faith, strengths and patience like nothing before and may your child(ren) become the coolness of your eyes and be protected and successful in this world and the Hereafter Aamiin Ya Rabbal Aalamiin. Because then, at least all the pain, tears, breakdowns, and stress are not for nothing InsyaAllah.