Glitchtown

Freya Aafiyah Halifi.

My little one was due on Thursday, 09-SEP-2021 but we all know only 4% of babies are born on their due date. It was Sunday midnight on 12-SEP-2021 when I felt trickles of water and I thought I had urinated. I went to the toilet to see my underwear soaked but it’s odourless and colourless. I went to put pantyliner on and went back to bed. 2 minutes later, I felt it again but this time there was streaks of diluted/pinkish blood on the liner.

Called the hospital and they asked me to monitor it for the next hour and to call back. An hour later, water continues to trickle and we were told to go to the hospital. True enough, they confirmed my water bag broke and I was already 2cm dilated but I am not getting any contractions. They sent me home for the next 30 hours to encourage natural contractions otherwise come back on Monday, 13-SEP-2021 at 6am for an induction to prevent risk of infection as the water bag has already broken.

I went home still feeling very positive that contractions will come soon. I did everything you could think of to naturally induce labour from walking heaps, doing lots of squats, bouncing on gym ball, all kinds of exercises but there was still no contractions. So, on Monday we headed to the hospital for the planned induction at 6am.

We got ourselves comfortable in the labour suite with diffuser, loads of water, food, dimming the lights everything that I know will make me comfortable. I have spent months practicing breathing techniques and all things labour pretty much. I started getting contractions 3 hours after the induction started where they pump me with synthetic oxytocin but they were very mild and it started picking up at midday. By 1pm, the contractions started to get stronger that I had to stop and breathe to get through it but they were still manageable.

Fast forward to 3pm, I don’t know if natural contractions progress the same but with induction, things ramped up pretty quickly. I focused on my breathing the whole time and tried the hot shower as the next step of pain relief. Hot showers felt so good during surges and I think I stayed there for almost an hour and stopped because I was so conscious about water wastage haha. Hubsy was such a champ the whole time. He is honestly the best birth partner I could ever ask for. He was so patient, positive and calm. We have prepared ourselves for this day for months.

Then the contractions got very intense and I asked for epidural, but the midwife suggested I tried the gas and air first and so I agreed, it was the most amazing thing in the world. It doesn’t take away the pain, but it takes you to a completely different headspace. Then they did a vaginal examination and I was already 7cm dilated which they thought was very quick.

As contractions got stronger, my blood pressure keeps dropping causing Freya’s heart rate to drop too. Suddenly there were 5 doctors barging into the room and looking so panicked. I knew something was not right then and I still remember while being all high from the gas and air, but sober enough to beg them to save Freya. You don’t see medical team running in unless something goes wrong. I heard one of the doctors saying “that was a close one. phew”. I don’t know what was “close” but it must have been something serious. They had to stop the oxytocin completely and waited for my blood pressure and Freya’s heart rate to return to normal and giving us time to recover. I was on 7cm dilated for a very long time and I think I overused the gas and air completely that I started vomiting all over myself and the bed. I was conscious enough to follow instructions but not to communicate. They asked me to get on my knees because Freya was apparently stuck in a position where she is looking up and she needs to turn in order to be born or something like that. I could not process the information entirely but essentially she was not in the greatest of position.

After being sick from the gas and air, the midwife suggested I should take the epidural and the anesthesiologist came to give me just that. I was a lot more calm and could even sleep. After 30 minutes of recovery time, they started the induction again and the same thing happened again. My blood pressure dropped and that caused Freya’s heart rate to drop too and everything had to stop again. So the doctor gave me an option to either try the induction again for the third time or C-section. Either way Freya needed to be born that same night.

So hubs and I discussed and decided that we should try the induction again because I really wanted a normal labour and if it still doesn’t work, at least we can say we have tried our best. So induction resumed and the same thing happened again except this time, Freya’s heart rate was too high and this time the doctor decided that everything needs to stop and it had to be a c-section to save both baby and mom. I remember the disappointment I felt at that point. I was in so much pain and I didn’t have time to process everything. The first thing that came to mind was that it will take much longer for me to recover and they are going to give me even stronger medication and I did not like the idea of that at all but it is what it is and they had to do what was necessary.

We waited for an hour for my blood pressure and Freya’s heartbeat to return to normal again before rolling me to the operation theatre. I felt so defeated at this point but needed us both to be safe at the same time. They numbed the lower half of my body and I started shivering uncontrollably. That was another thing that scared the crap out of me, the shivers, it was so uncontrollable that I thought I had a seizure or something. Na’udzubillah. I practiced my breathing and it did nothing to help calm it. I asked if this was normal and if it was something that my body didn’t react well to. Apparently, it was completely normal and to be expected.

I then asked where my husband was and one of the medical team said that he couldn’t be there because of COVID restrictions. If I was not high from all the medication, I think I would have cried and I remember saying don’t bother with the surgery if he can’t even be here with me. Imagine me still finding every last bit of strength to argue about this but I don’t think I realised what I was saying and then one of the surgeons said that it’s ok for the partner to be in the room. Alhamdulillah. Freya was born 10 minutes later MasyaAllah and it took them about 20 minutes to close me up again.

Subhana Rabbiyal A’la. Allah is truly The Greatest. This was another lesson for me to take that no matter how much I plan and prepare for things in life, Allah will make the final decision. This birth could not have gone further from our expectations but Alhamdulillah we are both safe and that is all that matters.

Honestly, if anything were to go wrong, I was not afraid to die but I am more worried that if I do and I know so…. that no one is going to love and care for my baby as much as I do. I am glad God is giving me a chance to live to care for my little one and I have never been more grateful. Subhanallah walhamdulillah wala ilaha illallah wallahu akbar.

Thank you Ya Rabb for this beautiful miracle.

To my dear husband, thank you for being the best husband I could ever ask for. I may be delivering Freya, but I know that this must have been hard for you too. The nose bleed you had in the labour suite says it all. It was probably harder for you to watch everything than it was for me to go through it. The feeling of helplessness. Know that you are just as incredible and strong. Congratulations for being a dad. You are going to be the best father Freya could ever ask for and I can already see it. She is so lucky to have you babe, MasyaAllah.

To my little angel, if you ever get to read this, I pray that your labour in the future will go so smoothly and that you are always given the strength to go through anything in life. The labour I went through is nothing as compared to the blessings that Allah has given us. I would go through it a million times more if by the end of it, I get you as the prize. I love you so much baby. Tumbuhlah jadi anak yang sholehah, yang berguna untuk semua orang, yang kaya akhlak, kaya ilmu, murah rezeki, panjang umur, taat kepada Allah dan Rasul, yang selalu diberi kesehatan, kebahagiaan dan keselamatan dunia dan akhirat. Aamiin Ya Rabbal Aalamiin.

xo, Mama.